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sacorrah · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 4

This bit is from the end of my book it is rough and will change alot but i wrote it strait up, just let the words flow out.

I fell to the ground, still clutching the sword in my hands. Damien and Jared rushed over to me happy yet sad, happy that I am still alive but sadden that Kye and Melina are no longer with us.
“Sacorrah, you did it, Andros is finally dead” I heard Damien yell.
“He isn’t exactly dead” Jared responded in a sigh.
“Well at least he won’t be back for a long time” I said smiling
At last Andros was gone and I am extremely happy that I finally found my self. But what was my decision I had to make was it whether to kill Andros or not? What?
“So where do we go now since the worst is over” I asked suddenly, as I got up from the dirt.
Jared and Damien both closed in on me.

“That’s what you have to decide, are you coming with us?” Jared whispered
I suddenly felt a need to be…. Be away from all this, be alone, and fight alone.
“Well I suppose a decision like that to me can’t be made that quickly, I want to leave and go away for a while, but I don’t want to leave you guys. We have been through a lot haven’t we?”

“Yea I suppose we have but this is what Jared was always talking about, when you come to a path, well a fork in the road you have to choose Sacorrah”

I stood there for a while thinking of what I am going to do, the worst is over. What I’ve wanted to do has finally came true and not having the whole group here threw my thought off path.

All I want is to go with them and think about it for a couple of days.
“What are you two doing now” I finally asked.

“Well” Damien laughed “I suppose I can’t go back home I might stay with Jared until I figure it out”

‘I am going with you then, until I figure myself out” I looked at Jared to see what reaction he had and to my surprise I grinned and laughed.

I looked at him and smiled. “Okay then stay with me but don’t bother my day to day routine” he sternly said.
That’s Jared alright I thought to myself. I followed them back to the house which was a journey in itself. After three days getting back, I got to the same gate that made me thought of not going to defeat Andros. I stood at the gate with my hands on the metal.
“you alright?” Damien asked.
“Actually” I replied with a tear rolling down my face. “This place doesn’t seem the same to me anymore”

Damien was about to speak but Jared signaled him to stay quiet, I had a feeling Jared knew exactly what was on my mind. I looked at Damien more tears running down my face I ran over and hugged him.
“You are leaving aren’t you” he finally asked.
“I think I am” I whispered in his ear.
I looked at Jared and said “you understand don’t you my heart doesn’t belong here”
“I got my sword off of Jared and my back pack off of Damien.
Damien leant towards me and whispered “I have always loved you and I wanted you to know that before you go” I stood there starting to cry more, knowing that he loved me.

I got my courage up and started walking away before I could disappear suddenly I heard Jared yell “Sacorrah tell us two things where you going? And who are you?”
“I am going to France and I am Sacorrah the damned” I yelled back.
Seeing both Jared and Damien smiling as I turned around, gave my confidence more then you could imagine.

My life finally had meaning, I felt alive and set free. Although I do not have the ones I love beside, I at least have their hearts in mine.

The End

admin · Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 7:55 pm Post subject: Good ending

Hi Sacorrah,

I'm assuming you're looking for a general opinion here. I like that your main character had decided to head off independently instead of remaining with Damien. It showed a strong and brave character. I had the impression the character’s journey wasn’t over and would be best tackled without help. It sounds as if you're planning a sequel, is that right?

I was a little lost with the line:
But what was my decision I had to make was it whether to kill Andros or not? What?

But I'm sure you'll tidy that up in the next draft along with the grammar and punctuation. It's good that you let the work flow from you to the page. Additional drafts will help smooth it out.

Note the line:
I stood there starting to cry more, knowing that he loved me.

Your character has already started to cry, as mentioned earlier in the piece, so the crying in this sentence needs to continue or increase.

Looking forward to reading more.

Twiggy · Joined: 08 Jun 2007 Posts: 34 Location: Australia

Sachorra, does this mean that you've finished your first draft of the whole book? Smile

From the excerpts you've posted here it seems to have an excellent plot, and well worth the time it will take to work on grammar and punctuation.

You have a knack for hearing in your head the natural speech of your characters. Now you need to write it so your readers can catch that too. For instance

“Yea I suppose we have but this is what Jared was always talking about, when you come to a path, well a fork in the road you have to choose Sacorrah”

might reach the reader better as

“Yea, I suppose we have, but this is what Jared was always talking about. When you come to a path - well, a fork in the road - you have to choose, Sacorrah.”

Merri · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:13 pm Post subject:

Perhaps instead of
'At last Andros was gone and I am extremely happy that I finally found my self. But what was my decision I had to make was it whether to kill Andros or not? What? '

You could say

'At last Andros was gone and I am extremely happy that I finally found my self. But what was the decision that I had to make? Was it to kill Andros, or not? What should I do?'

I think your writing goes too fast, trying to keep up with your brain, and needs to be slowed down with more punctuation marks. Laughing

Keep in mind as you work on it, you've got a great swtory here. Smile