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tttime · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 23 Location: Western Austrlaia

hi all. please help

i'm trying to work on my scene setting here is a short peice that i have writen trying to discribe the setting.

A hot wind blows across the hills from the east bringing with it a dread; the fire was heading this way at an alarming pace. If it hit the edge of Tom and Bev’s place they knew there wouldn’t be anything to stop it from taking this year’s crop and scaring the land. The beautiful trees running along the creak lines that divided the land would be destroyed. Fences, stock feed would be lost and the stock would be at risk.

‘The best crop we’ve had in years, how do we stop it’ Tom look up towards the east he could see the wall of flames, reds and oranges that danced across the sky, over the tree tops ‘god it must be fifty foot high.’ The fire was sending billowing black smoke and a hazy heat like wave at the base of the flames there was a gap as if the fire was too hot to see but it was as if you could see the heat.

“Oh Tom, it’s like a beast consuming everything.” Bev grabbed Toms arm for support, standing on the back porch of their home overlooking their 10,000 acres they had never felt so vulnerable.

Tom looked over the land that had been in his family for three generations. ‘this is more that just land and crops, this is part of me not like my child but like a part of my own body’ Tom like his father and grandfather had a special connection with this piece of land 20 kilometres from the ocean, set up on beautiful hills that contoured the land.

“Bev my darling, I must try to protect our place. I want you to take baby Mary and head into town. I am going to try and cut a firebreak there between top paddock and the Johnsons place. With the help of the dam and a bit of luck we might be able to stop it jumping onto our place. The gravel pit should protect the house but grab what you need protected. But don’t take too long” Tom worry for his wife was nothing as he knew she would be safe his mind was already turned to protecting his beloved Appa Springs.

“Tom, protect yourself, I love you” Bev kissed her husband and returned inside gathering Mary who was only two. Bev worried that Mary would never see the home that was part of her just like her father.

After getting the old grader started Tom set off for Top paddock, in his mind he was already formulating a plan ‘if I start on the top ridge above the large dam I can cut a fire break that’s 2 passes wide and will lead right to the edge of the dam, then I’ll high tail it to the other side and cut as much as I can back this way. Top paddock’s the best option as its in the fires path more so we didn’t crop it this year and with a little luck we may only lose a bit of feed barley’.

Fire is not new to Tom but when it’s your own place that’s at risk your heart races, your mind can’t keep up and you have everything on the line. He had to gamble that the fire would continue this way and that the break was big enough to starve the fire.

“Tom this is max do you have a copy” came over the radio which was barely audible over the noise of the grader and the roar of the fire as it closed in on Tom.

“Max, please tell me that the fire is under control” Tom responded. Max was Tom’s neighbour, the fire has already been through his place, and the house thankfully was saved.

“I’ve come to give you a hand I’m on the back corner of your paddock near my gate and I’ll head towards you with my grader, Billy thinks it’s the only way to save your place. He’s sent two tankers to refill, they are going to need some more help but the fire in the valley is twice the size of this one so we’re on our own” Max hated being the bearer of bad news.

“ok we’ll do a full sweeps follow the contour banks from the dam down to the south west fence” Tom breathed a sigh of relieve they had more chance of stoping it with two graders going but it was still a race against time and against the odds.
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absolute amature writer. well have to start somewhere.

admin · Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 7:08 pm Post subject:

You have some really great descriptive passages here, and you describe the fire's beauty and destruction well. Very Happy

Here are few things that might help you with your next draft:

1. From reading this, you should remain in Tom's POV so keep that in mind. Everything should be written from what he knows, sees and thinks. Therefore, the reader should be with him when he leaves his wife to fight the fire. Cut out the bit about what Bev is thinking.
2. Bring out the urgency that the characters are facing. Make us believe they are in peril, and they risk losing everything to the fire. You could compare it to a dangerous and merciless creature, if you like.
3. Dialogue is a great way to show how the characters are feeling. Their sentences should be short and punchy. They're in a race against time.
4. Use actions to show us how the characters are feeling.
5. You have great imagination and the flare to express it, just be careful not to over do it. Such as
‘... this is more that just land and crops, this is part of me not like my child but like a part of my own body...’
If you shorten the sentence a little:
'This is more than just land and crops, this is a part of me.'
This sentence shows us how much turmoil he's under, and how much he loves his land.
6. Use of words can be powerful, for instance, in the first paragraph:
'... they knew there wouldn’t be anything to stop it from taking this year’s crop and scarring the land.'
Let's change one word:
'... they knew there wouldn’t be anything to stop it from devouring this year’s crop and scarring the land.'

Keep working on it, it has great possibilities. Look forward to reading more. Very Happy

tttime · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 23 Location: Western Austrlaia

that has given me heeps to think about and i will try to incorperate.

Thanks Very Happy

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absolute amature writer. well have to start somewhere.